Sunday, July 27, 2014

Lucy (2014)

A much visited element of science fiction is the exploration of where man has been and where he is going, whether it be the physical aspect such as space travel or time travel or in the exploration of human biology to show where man’s evolution could take us. Films like X-Men: Days of Future Past dabble in the “next step” in human evolution where we poor Homo Sapiens may find ourselves left behind by Homo Superior, and then there are films like Limitless and Luc Besson’s Lucy which has science giving evolution a helping hand.
 This film does contain one of the sillier science fiction tropes that man only uses 10% of his brain and that if he could tap more of it he would gain extra abilities. We all know this to be untrue. It makes no evolutionary sense for humans to develop larger brains and then only use a small portion of it, but in Lucy we have Professor Norman (Morgan Freeman) giving a lecture hypothesizing such ideas and because we are hearing it in Mister Morgan Freeman’s dulcet tones he almost makes it seem believable. Filmically it’s a conceit that allows Luc Besson to throw up title cards tracking Lucy’s progress towards 100% and because structurally speaking it works I can let the whole 10% thing slide. But please Hollywood let this be the last movie to toss out that old chestnut.
lucy-2014-movie-screenshot-morgan-freeman-a-peek-at-powers-in-lucy 
How can you doubt this guy?

The story begins with Lucy (Scarlett Johansson) an American living in Taipei, Taiwan and who, because of poor choices in boyfriend material, finds herself being forced to be a drug mule by a very evil cartel. Lucy and three other hapless souls have had drug packets surgically inserted into their abdomens with the intent that they were to be sent on their not so merry ways to their home cities where more cartel thugs would be waiting for them to then relieve them of their precious cargo. Unfortunately, or not depending on your point of view, one of the cartel thugs gets a bit rough with Lucy and after a kick to the belly her drug packet ruptures and her body is flooded with the synthetic cocktail.
lucy1 
“I’ll be your attempted rapist tonight.”

What follows is a jet fueled adrenaline ride as Lucy basically becomes an X-Men and starts kicking butt and taking names, often using her mental powers to rip said names right out of her enemy’s heads. Lucy has become completely in tune with her body on the cellular level so realizes that her life expectancy has decreased dramatically with this power upgrade and the only way to stop herself from fading away is to retrieve the other three packets from her fellow drug mules. The chase is on.
lucy2badass 
Gangsta Style

Along the way she contacts Professor Norman after reading up on his entire life’s work and it is the conversations with him and his fellow scientist that the film delves into some pretty heady theoretical ideas. In fact the last act combines gun battles and the nature of the cosmos which isn’t something you expect in your summer action flick. It’s while dancing around in this rarefied air that the story kind of loses its focus but really this movie is more about ideas than plot.
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“I can see the Matrix.”

The film pretty much rests solely on the shoulders of Scarlett Johansson’s performance and she is certainly up to the task, as the drug increases Lucy’s potential we see her divorce herself bit by bit from humanity and Johansson nails this aspect perfectly.

So as an awesome action film it dishes out some great action sequences with a cool super-powered flair, and as a science fiction think piece it does a pretty decent job working outside the

Afflicted (2014)

Since 1999’s The Blair Witch Project found footage films have increased in quantity if not always quality, and the fact that they can be made on the cheap, relatively speaking of course, this format will probably never die. The Paranormal Activity series has turned into a multi-million dollar franchise and even though each film has increased in budget but not with the same amount of return (The first one cost $15,000 US and made $193 million worldwide while the latest one Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones cost $5 million but only took in $91 million worldwide) so even with the law of diminishing returns they are still making a serious profit for a low investment. What really sets this type of movie making apart from your traditional studio films is that it’s that they are mostly being done by a small group of individuals who love what they’re doing, have no studio interference to worry about, and basically have no one to please but themselves.

This is certainly the case here with Afflicted a film written, directed and starring two friends Derek Lee and Clif Prowse who with $300,000 dollars managed to create a horror film with some dazzling action and gruesome effects that even puts some major Hollywood films to shame.
Two friends Derek (Derek Lee) and Clif (Clif Prowse) have longed to see the world but have put it off for various reasons, but now that Derek has been diagnosed with AVM, which is basically a tangled bunch of arteries in his brain that could rupture at any time, they decide to make the year long journey around the world and video blog the entire thing.
afflicted_dirs
Around the world in 365 days isn’t all that impressive guys.
 It’s while stopping over in Paris that their trip kind of goes off the rails. At club where a couple of their friends are playing a gig Derek meets Audrey (Baya Rehaz) a beautiful woman that he proceeds to chat up and then make-out with before eventually taking her back to his hotel room. Because his friends are dicks they plan to burst in on the two with operation “Cock-Block” but they are surprised to find Derek unconscious and bleeding and no sign of Audrey. Derek has no memory of what happened and refuses to go to the hospital.  He just patches up the nasty cut on his arm, chalking the whole thing up to bad luck.
Afflicted-Movie-2013-Clif-Prowse-Derek-Lee-2
 “Dear Penthouse, I never thought this could happen to me.”
 Derek and Clif proceed with their itinerary and arrive in sunny Italy but Derek seems the worse for wear and spends most his time in bed sleeping, this worries Clif greatly but Derek continues to insist on avoiding hospitals because he is afraid if he ever goes in one he will never be let out. Things start to get really strange as not only can Derek no longer hold down food but exposure to the sun badlyburns him. 

afflicted_01 
I’m guessing he needs SPF 5000

If by this point you have guess what Derek is afflicted with give yourself a cookie, but it’s not the mystery of the affliction that this film is about its how two long-time friends deal with it. At first it seems cool that Derek can punch through walls or karate chop a boulder in half, and leaping up the side of building has them wondering if superheroing is in his near future, but when his health starts to rapidly deteriorate Clif manages to convince his friend it’s time to go to the hospital. Sadly a confrontation with a couple of angry Italian motorists results in two crippled possibly dead Italians and footage of Derek licking their blood of his hand. They never make it to the hospital.
wall punch
 “That’s totally coming out of our deposit.”
What follows is Clif doing his best to help his friend as he deteriorates to an almost feral state, documenting the whole thing because…well because this is a found footage movie and finding a reason for the main characters to keep filming as events spiral out of control has always been the hardest thing to justify. The two leads pay lip service to “reasons” but it has been done better in films like Chronicle and The Troll Hunter, here it’s not terrible just not all that convincing.
afflicted
I’m not sure Blue Cross can even cover this.
 What works is the chemistry between the real life friends and the slowly increasing horror of their situation. The stunt work of Derek leaping across the piazza or running 60km an hour is fantastic as is the make-up for his ghastly transformation from nice guy to feral monster.  This is a found footage film that I can highly recommend, and hey it’s a Canadian film so let’s give them a shout out.

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Come out to the coast, we’ll get together, have a few laughs.”

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Into the Storm (2014)

This does seem to be another year of disaster movie mania, earlier in the year we got Pompeii which was basically Gladiator meets Titanic on the slopes of Dante’s Peak, then we had Darren Aronofsky’s Noah that of course is about the world’s first disaster story and was kind of dreadful, but now we have Into the Storm which tops them all in the epic nature carnage category. This is the film Jan de Bont’s Twister wanted to be.
"Did you see Cary Elwes in there?"
Director Steven Quale decided to go the “found footage” route with this disaster flick and I must say it really makes the scenes much more visceral. What makes this stand out from most movies of that type is that we follow multiple sources; a group of storm chasers, redneck morons, high school kids, and then various security and news footage to flesh it out, but then he occasional abandons the found footage conceit for moments that would make no sense for a camera to be recording what we are seeing. I am totally okay with that.
Thunderbolt and lightning, Very, very frightening me!” 
The story, and I use the term “story” in its broadest sense of the world here, mainly focuses on two groups of people as a massive storm front rages across the poor town of Silverton and that is spawning tornadoes faster than you can say “There’s no place like home.”
"Must drive faster!"
 The Storm Chasers: Pete (Matt Walsh) is a documentary filmmaker who specializes in tornado footage but it’s been a year since he got any good material and he’s about to lose his funding. He is this film’s Captain Ahab and who believes that with his super truck “The Titus” he can film from the inside of a tornadoes eye. Allison (Sarah Wayne Callies) is the meteorologist member of the team and whose main character trait is that she misses her daughter. They are accompanied by a small team of cameramen and drivers whose main jobs are to either be yelled at by Pete, get killed, or both. That the black guy survives to the end of the film earns this movie major points.
The Titus: Number one truck of choice for all Tornado Chasers.
 The Morris Family: Gary Morris (Richard Armitage) is a widower and dad to two teen-age sons. He is also the local schools vice principle and wound up a bit too tight. Donnie Morris (Max Deacon) is the resentful son who has become estranged from his father since the passing of their mother. Trey Morris (Nathan Kress) is the young son who basically would like everyone to just chill out. Thrown into that mix is Kaitlyn (Alycia Debnam Carey) the high school girl that Donnie has a crush on.  Note: Disasters are amazing relationship builders.
“So, we’ll just stand here then?”
The film does occasionally follow a couple of moronic rednecks whose apparent sole goal in life is to get a million YouTube hits and make tons of money off of it. That they constantly stand in front of oncoming tornadoes is not surprising.
 At one point a tornado rolls over a burning gas station and becomes a fiery finger of God.
 Now when it comes to tornado action this film does not mess around, it spends just enough time with our main characters so that when the shit does hit the fan we actually care about them. It doesn’t have rival storm chasers in black vans working against our heroes as in some films *cough* Twister, because when you’re talking Mother Nature’s fury laying waste to all in her path you really don’t need a human villain to spice things up.
The awesome power of an F5
 As for the films special effects I can’t praise them enough. I found myself holding my breath during many of the sequences where the main characters were either driving towards or fleeing the tornadoes and their destructive power. Wherever our heroes went they found themselves dodging tossed vehicles or various storm thrown debris but when the F5 passed through an airport and lifted jumbo jets as if they were Tinker Toys that was incredible to behold.
Damn!
Now sure some of the dialogue was a bit corny at times and a couple of the characters were a tad bit clichĂ©d, but overall I found myself emotionally moved way beyond what I’d expect from a popcorn disaster flick, and there is a scene where Donnie and Kaitlynn are pretty sure their time is up that is just damn powerful. Kudos to those young actors.

Simply put Into the Storm was an E ticket thrill ride that should make any fan of the genre incredibly happy. Steven Quale has taken the found footage format and raised it to a whole new level.

Monday, July 21, 2014

The Hole (2009)

Director Joe Dante has been responsible for some of my favorite horror films such Piranha (1978) and The Howling while films like Gremlins and The Hole could be classified as being part of that rare subgenre of Horror/Family films. These are films that have very scary elements, intense thematic moments, but are able to dance close to the line of what parents are comfortable with their kids seeing. Now that line has moved greatly since I was a kid as television and home video has exposed children to scarier and scarier stuff over the years, but Joe Dante is still able to capture the thrills and chills that will keep even modern audiences of all ages on the edge of their seats.

The film begins with the Thompson family; Susan (Teri Polo) her two sons Dane (Chris Massoglia) and Lucas (Nathan Gamle) arriving at their new home in the boring town of Bensonville. They have moved around a lot, much two teen-age and hormone fueled Dane’s chagrin, resulting in him preferring to brood rather than play with this little brother. There are two things that shake him out of his funk, one is the cute girl next door Julie (Haley Bennett) and the other is that they have discovered what appears to be a bottomless pit in their basement.

 The hole was sealed by a trapdoor and secured by six padlocks but because these are kids in a horror film they quickly find the keys and open it. Julie has one suggestion as to what the hole could be.

“I know what you’ve got. You’ve got a gateway to hell under your house. And that is really cool.”
That Dane doesn’t throw her out of the house after making such an insane comment like that attests to just how cute she is. Dane is afraid that if his mom saw this “freaky bottomless pit” in their new home she’d have them packing faster than you could say “The Divine Comedy” so he decides to keep this from her and do the investigating themselves. I have a soft spot for films that exist primarily in the world of kids, showing them to be smart, brave and resourceful while the adults only exist on the periphery, much like the grown-ups in Charlie Brown. The GooniesThe Monster Squad and E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial and Joe Dante’s own Explorers would be prime examples of this type.

Our Scooby Gang
Lucas is the first to encounter the darkness that comes from The Hole and it is in the form of a creep-ass clown puppet. You see Lucas has a clown phobia, and his older brother does tease him about it, so when he finds this freaky clown doll in his bed he assumes it’s just Dane screwing with him. That is until the doll appears in the basement after he just moved into Dane’s bed, and then it begins to terrorize him.

Nightmare fuel.
 Meanwhile Dane and Julie are out seeing the sights of Bensonville and that’s when Julie encounters a spine-chilling little ghost girl in the washroom of the local diner.

 It’s pretty clear that The Hole knows what scares you and targets you accordingly. When the trio encounter ghost girl later in the house, and watch in horror as it crawls headfirst into the pit, they realize that they may be in trouble.

Do you think paintball guns would be an effective weapon against ghosts?
 The kids go into full Nancy Drew mode and track down Creepy Carl (Bruce Dern) who was the previous owner of the house, who now lives in an abandoned shoe factory and in a room surrounded by a countless amount of lights. He is not pleased, to say the least, that the locks have been removed from the trapdoor that kept The Hole closed. When the kids ask if he built The Hole and what’s it about, his answer is unnerving.

“Nobody built the hole! The hole has been there since the world’s first scream.”
 From that point on the kids kind of want to forget about this mysterious power that seeks to destroy them and just enjoy the summer, but of course The Hole won’t let them.  As the film plays out we will uncover answers to three key questions; What connection does Julie have with that ghost girl?  Will Lucas overcome his fear of clowns?  And what is it that Dane is afraid of?

My guess is it’s fear of SATs.
 Joe Dante’s The Hole has everything you want in a horror movie, good scares centering on well written characters. The dialogue between the two brothers is fun and believable as is poor Dane’s difficulty in dealing with “girls.” The exact nature of The Hole is never fully explained, and is not needed, as forces of evil that strike at you through your fears isn’t anything new to the genre, but Dante hangs this idea on an exciting thrill ride of chills and laughs that is fun for the whole family. Now today the term “Family Film” mostly means “For Children” but not this one, this movie is truly entertaining no matter what your age, and I must say it’s nice to see a film about young protagonists and not getting a single fart or piss joke.  Thank you, Joe Dante.

And to quote young Lucas…
"I really hate clowns."

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Deadly Eyes (1982)

The eighties were a great time to be a lover of horror movies. When I was a kid going down to the local video store was a weekly treat that most often than not resulted in at least one horror film as I wasn’t old enough to see them in the theatre. The key decision making elements were as follows:

1) How awesome looking was the box art?
2) Is there a chance of nudity?
3) Does it look to contain a good amount of gore?
4) Seriously, is there nudity?

Criteria met.
Director Robert Clouse, mostly known for his Golden Harvest produced Bruce Lee Films, seems an odd choice to helm a giant rat movie, but somehow it works and in a most cheesily charming way. Based on the novel The Rats by James Herbert this film is most notable for the use of dachshunds in little rat suits and in most cases it is quite effective, and certainly better than the poor coon dogs used in 1959s The Killer Shrews. Excellent rat puppets were used to augment the kills for close ups.

“Did someone say cheese?”
City health inspector Kelly Leonard (Sara Botsford) orders a shipment of infected grain destroyed and in so doing sends a large population of rats fleeing into the city.

“No, you can’t keep your roid raging rats here.”
The rats sneak into the suburbs and start hunting down food and man is on the top of their menu. A house full of teen-agers, that in a horror film you know are doomed to die at some point, but it’s not their time yet so the rats go for some more tender meat and take out a toddler left alone in her highchair.  The little tyke’s sister discovers the turned over highchair, a smeared blood trail leading into the basement and the poor kids bloody clothes, and before she can escape a dog sized rat jumps her.
That is some dark shit.
They also take out an old man walking through the park just to show they don’t have any age discrimination issues.

Feeding Frenzy
 The film’s other main lead is high school teacher Paul HFeeding Frenzyarris (Sam Groom) who is divorced and has to make due with weekends with his young son. He also has to deal with amorous student Trudy White (Lisa Langlois) who has a crush on the good teacher which ends up complicating his budding relationship with Kelly the health inspector. Trudy also has a high school sweet heart that she dumps so she can devout her time to chasing older more sophisticated men. All the romantic entanglements in this film go nowhere and serve no real purpose other than to throw our characters together for the rat smorgasbord.
 “I’m not bad I‘m just written that way.”
When one of Paul’s students is bitten and more and more reports of attacks pour into the Department of Health, Kelly sends her field officer George Foskins (Scatman Crothers) into the sewers to check things out. He doesn’t want to go because he’s seen some huge rats down there lately. She pooh poohs his fears and sends him off to get eaten.

“We loved you in The Shining!”
Paul has a professor friend and when he, Kelly and the good professor get together they discuss the possibility of a super-rat caused by the steroids in the grain. The professor at first scoffs at the idea saying that giant rats have been a common myth for ages but there is no scientific evidence to support such claims. He is shortly proven wrong and eaten.

“I fill my pipe with irony.”
Throughout the film Kelly has been getting flak from the Mayor’s Office for burning the grain, pumping rat poison into the sewers after her man was killed, and claiming they may have a nasty rat problem. She is told to meet with the Mayor at the gala opening of a new subway line. There is such a thing? She takes Paul’s son along because he likes trains. When Paul finally figures out that the killer rat problem is heading right into the city he races into action to save his boy but more importantly his love life.

The rat attacks go into high gear as they invade a bowling alley.
And wreak havoc at local theatre showing a Bruce Lee retrospective. In attendance are Trudy and her high school friends who we are all surprised lasted this long.

 They don’t last any longer.
The rats manage to chew through the transit power lines leaving the Mayor and his party trapped on a subway car. Not knowing how long the power we’ll be out the subway car driver urges his passengers into the tunnel where of course the rats are waiting and the feast kicks into high gear.

Mayor McCheese meets his untimely end.
Paul punches out a transit cop who tries to prevent him from crashing the gala and races to the rescue. He manages to get Kelly and his son out of the main tunnel and away from the ravenous rats but of course ends up leading his group right into the rats nest. Nice one Paul. But with some quick thinking he uses a small butane tank as a flamethrower and manages to back them away from the rats, he then rolls a drum of gasoline towards the nest and explodes it.

“Ratatouille flambĂ© anyone?”
 The power is restored and for some reason they return to the subway car despite the fact there is no reason to believe that there aren’t still more rats running around the tunnels. With the help of Paul’s train knowledgeable son they get the subway car to the main station and the waiting gala. The party people are a bit put out when it pulls into the station and reveals that one of the cars is full of giant rats munching on some hapless dude. One of the bloody rats lunges at the window of the car. Freeze Frame.
The end?
 Nature run amok stories are a staple of horror films and Deadly Eyes is easily one of the more fun entries from that category. It’s a bit campy and the stock characters are barely two dimensional, but the film moves along at brisk pace and at an 87 minute running time it never outstays it’s welcome. Worth checking out just to see the adorable dachshunds in little rat costumes.

Whose a good puppy?

Noah (2014)

There have been several adaptations of the Genesis flood myth and as religious pictures tend to make for good box office dollars I’m sure we will see more, but this latest version by Darren Aronofsky is easily the grimmest yet. I’m not a biblical scholar so I certainly won’t rain on this movie’s bona fides by comparing it to scripture as most of my bible knowledge comes from watching Charlton Heston epics. I just tried to view this movie as fantasy story about a man, a boat and a lot of water.

 Darren Aronofsky is a very good director and even detractors of his work have to agree his stuff is interesting to watch, so when I heard he was taking a crack at the Noah story I was a little intrigued, sadly after watching it I feel Evan Almighty may have been the more entertaining take on the myth.

Always with the smiting.
 In the beginning there was nothingness, then God created the Heavens and the Earth and later a badass named Noah. The story of Noah is a simple one and one that many of us heard repeatedly in Sunday school; God is unhappy with mankind, decides to wipe the globe clean and asks Noah to gather two of every species of animal, load them and his family onto an ark, and then he floods the world. Cue dove finding land and RAINBOW! In Darren Aronofsky’s version God is even more of a dick than usual, and Old Testament God was already a huge prick with all that smiting and shit, but in this movie God has chosen Noah (Russell Crowe) to help him start all over and to do this he must turn this nice family man into a raging asshole that makes Jack Torrance from The Shining look like father of the year material.

"Here's Noah!"
 The world has turned to shit, ever since Adam and Eve ate that apple and their one kid murdered his brother things went downhill. Cain went off to create a massive civilization that would plunder the Earth’s resources while Seth, Adam and Eve’s third and not much talked about son, went his own peaceful way. Cain and his descendants got some help from a group of fallen angels called The Watchers and spread their wickedness all over the globe. Now these multi-armed rock golems use to be glorious beings of light until God punished them for helping man, remember God is a dick, they are eventually betrayed by Cain’s people and are left to wander the barren burnt wastelands. Angels just can’t catch a break.

These things certainly weren’t in my Sunday school lessons.
 Meanwhile Seth’s people would be the ones to restore the world. (Question: How can Cain and Seth have descendants when as far as I can tell Eve was the only other woman on the planet?) Noah and his family are such magical descendants and they to seem to be wandering bleak wastelands until they come across a group of slaughtered people and one young survivor Ila, who will grow up to be Emma Watson, Noah’s wife Naameh (Jennifer Connelly) patches up the poor girl and Noah, Naameh, their three sons Shem, Ham, and Japheth are then chased by a group of marauders led by evil King Tubal-Cain (Finn Wittrock) later to be played Ray Winstone) who happens to be the man that killed Noah's father.

“You killed my father and betrayed Indiana Jones”
 Noah and family are forced to flee into the burnt forbidden zone that The Watchers now live in, but instead of killing them one of the fallen angels takes pity on the poor mortals and gives them aid.
“Put in a good word with God for me, would you?”
 Anthony Hopkins) who gives him a seed from the Garden of Eden. This magical seed instantly creates a massive forest that Noah and his rock friends can now chop down to make the ark. Aronofsky is certainly sending mixed messages about environmental responsibilities here.

 “The Lord told Noah to build him an arky, arky.”
The building of the ark moves along quite quickly, as it would if you had stone giants helping you, and soon God is sending birds, snakes and all manner of beasts for Noah to load into the ark. Here Aronofsky tries to answer that age old question, “How did Noah feed all those animals?” Well it seems Noah developed a knock-out gas that only effects animals and puts them into some kind of suspended animation. Why he felt the need to answer that one and then ignore the bigger question, “How do you fit two of every species of animal onto a boat roughly the size of two football fields?” is beyond me. Unfortunately for Noah and company the evil Tubal-Cain has noticed all the birds heading into this forest of Eden and followed them. He also brought his army.

“I want a shubbery”
Tubal-Cain wants Noah to hand over everything to him, including that big wooden fortress he’s building. But when a bunch of rock formations surrounding the ark stand up revealing their fallen angel status Tubal-Cain decides on a tactical retreat, but only until he can get a bigger and better equipped army to smash those stone bastards to pieces.

“Which way to Helm’s Deep?”
 Now invading armies isn’t the only problem Noah is facing as his one son Shem (Douglas Booth) is spending precious ark building time fooling around with Ila while his brother Ham (Logan Lerman) is upset by the fact that he is out in the cold in the girlfriend department. Noah promises Ham that he will go and get wives for his boys, and an extra one for Shem as Ila is barren, but upon visiting a nearby encampment he witnesses rape, cannibalism and downright wickedness. Noah gets an epiphany, it’s unclear if its god given or not, but he’s decides that the human race is a failed experiment and that the creator only wants the animals to survive and not so much man, thus Noah and his family are the last of humanity and with their eventual passing the world will be free of the stain of man.


 A rare happy moment in this film.
Ham is not cool with this and makes his own trip to the settlements to find a girl, but while fleeing that place ahead of an angry mob the girl pulls a Kim Bauer and steps into a cougar trap. Ham tries to free her but Noah shows up and drags Ham away leaving the poor girl to be trampled to death by the mob. This does not endear Noah to Ham.

Girlfriend Interruptus.
 Spurred on by the rain and coming apocalypse the angry mob/army arrives at the ark and we are treated to a big battle as The Watchers fend off the attackers until one by one the fallen angels are killed and their celestial spirits return to Heaven.

 Eventually God kicks it into high gear and massive torrents of water shoot out of the Earth. The geysers and torrential rains wash away all the bad guys except Tubal-Cain who manages to stowaway on the ark.


When Old Faithful attacks.
Now up to this point the movie has been a grim humorless slog but it’s when on board the ark that things really get dark. Noah explains to his family his “extinction agenda” for the human race and that in time Shem will bury Noah then Ham will bury Shem and Japheth will in turn bury Ham and I guess Japheth will have to get a pre-dug grave ready to throw himself in when time his time comes. But Naameh has thrown a wrench into this plan because earlier she went to see Methuselah about Ila’s child bearing problem and he used his magic to make her fertile and now she is pregnant with Shem’s child. Noah is at first put out by this new information but then states that if it’s a boy all is good as it can just join the line of burying, but if it’s a girl he will simply kill it. God’s will and all.

“Sorry honey, but God told me to.”
Meanwhile Ham has been secretly helping injured stowaway Tubal-Cain who fuels the kids hatred for his dickish father, and who can blame the kid when dad is a girlfriend abandoning asshat and professed baby killer to be. So while Tubal-Cain tries to get Ham to help kill Noah Shem is building a raft for him and Ila to escape on. Noah discovers this and sets fire to the raft. Cause you know…he’s a dick.

The movie wraps up with Ham luring his father into a trap but in the end saves Noah and stabs Tubal-Cain, the ark runs aground on a mountaintop, Ila gives birth to twin girls, blade in hand Noah goes after them but at the last minute, with a dagger over their hearts, he realizes that he has too much love in his own heart to stab babies. Give this man a Nobel Peace Prize.

The family settles into their new home, Naameh forgives Noah for almost killing her grandkids, Shem and Ila are happy parents, but Ham is basically “Screw this and a bag of chips” and takes off for parts unknown. Can you blame him?

“We are family.”
 I found this to be just a brutal slog to watch. There are hardly any likable characters in the film and the few that are have little to no impact on the story, Darren Aronofsky has just collected a group of talented actors in service of a terrible script. The story of Noah is supposed to be about hope and Aronofsky’s tacked on “happy ending” doesn’t cut it. I’m surprised he didn’t go further with the story of Ham as some theologians interpret the biblical verse, “Noah became drunken and he was uncovered within his tent” and Ham saw the nakedness of his father, and told his two brethren without” to mean that Ham castrated and sodomized Noah. That would certainly be in keeping with the rest of this movie.
Rainbow connection?
   Special Note: We get an entire sequence where Noah explains “Creation” to his family and we see a sped up version of the formation of the universe, our world, and then the evolution of life on Earth.   Aronofsky seems to be implying that the “Six days to create the world” could have meant the days were not your typical 24 hour jobbies and that evolution is a part of this bible story, but then when Adam and Eve show up they are these glowing beings that God just conjured up.  Looks to me like Aronofsky was trying to serve two masters with this script which resulted in a inconsistent mess.