No one expects a SyFy original movie to be good, and back in 2013 when the first
Sharknado aired it affirmed that fact, and then for some strange reason it we got
Sharknado 2: The Second One which was also bad but gained a little love by embracing the goofiness of it all, and now we have
Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No! which makes the first two look like Oscar contenders. This movie isn’t just bad, it’s painfully bad.
World renowned sharknado expert Fin Shepard (
Ian Ziering)
is invited to the White House so the President can award him the
highest civilian honor for his actions fighting sharknados in Los
Angeles and New York City, but as the party gets started a sharknado
hits and once again our “hero” finds himself battling sharks from the
sky. He saves the President's life and warns him that his “shark sense”
tells him that an even bigger sharknado is forming out there, one that
could possible take out the entire east coast.
"
America
will never be destroyed from the outside. If we falter and lose our
freedoms, it will be because we destroyed ourselves...or got wiped out
by a sharknado.” - Abraham Lincoln.
The worst thing about
Sharknado 3,
and there a many terrible things wrong with it, but the worst is that
it’s barely a movie. This thing is more a cross between an infomercial
for
Universal Orlando Theme Park and a Republican wet dream. In this movie we have a
white president who won the office on the platform of “
Hope and Change”
and Republican uber-bitch Ann Coulter is the Vice President, and they
even throw in a cameo of Michele Bachmann as herself. I would not be
surprised to learn that the screenwriter of this piece of crap worked
for Fox News. When we get Fin and the President running down the halls
of the White House with guns blazing I came to the conclusion that this
film is possibly running for office itself and is vying for the support
of the NRA.
“
America, fuck yeah!”
That
they didn’t manage to get Ted Nugent in there to play the Speaker of
the House seems like a huge missed opportunity to me. But the Right Wing
propaganda is still not the worst thing in this movie, it’s the fact
that every two seconds we get blatant product placement from the likes
of Subway and Nascar, but most egregiously with a large portion of the
running time being of April (
Tara Reid), her daughter Claudia (
Ryan Newman) and Aprils’ mom May (
Bo Derek) as they endlessly wander around the
Universal Orlando Theme Park to show us how awesome the attractions are.
“Goddamn it April, don’t tell me you lost our Fast Pass!”
Then there are the cameos, the never-ending onslaught of celebrity cameos. In
Sharknado 2 they had some fun cameos that fit in with the joke; like Robert Hayes from
Airplane turning up to be the pilot of their plane or Judd Hirsch from
Taxi
being their taxi driver, but in this third installment there are so
many pointless cameos that I'm starting to think that these people must
have paid the producers to give them a spot.
The only actor that escapes this movie with his integrity intact, because he keeps locked in a vault on the moon, is
David Hasselhoff
who plays Fin’s astronaut father. The Hoff is playing that over-the-top
cartoon character that has become the staple of his career, and it
works well in the context of a goofy shark movie. This series would have
been better off if they'd jettison Ziering and Tara Reid and just had
Hasselhoff teaming up with the returning Nova (
Cassie Scerbo).
For obvious reasons.
This is not a “
So bad it’s good”
movie, it’s just bad. Bo Derek seems to have been hired just so Tara
Reid isn’t the worst actress on screen, the effects of the flying sharks
look shoddier it that's even possible, and worse the shark attacks
themselves have become boring. They try to ramp up the crazy but seeing
Fin once again jump into a giant shark just seems tired and played out,
even if it’s while riding it through re-entry from outer space. This is
the worst case of trying to hard that I’ve ever seen.
In conclusion, “Long live the Hoff!”
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